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Wow I Should Write a Book: In The Mind of Kollin
Saturday. 1.8.05 8:10 am
Introduction
So i'm sitting here, its 8 am, and i'm wide awake...did i go to sleep last night? no...why am i so wide awake!!!!??...this is insane because when 2 or 3 pm rolls around, i'm gonna be ready to pass out...i can either a) go to sleep now and probably wake up at 8 pm OR b) stay awake and hope i don't pass out in the day...napping for a couple hours isn't an option...why? i'll tell you

Napping
I have a real problem with napping...oh how i wish i could nap like a normal person...you know, you get home from wherever, you're a little tired, why not take a nap?...it takes me like 45 minutes just to get to sleep even if i feel like i could pass out at any moment...when i finally get to sleep, i'll sleep forever...unless a couple of alarms are set...so lets say, 2 hour nap...when i wake up, theres drool all over me and the pillow...not to mention this insane groggyness that doesn't completely go away until about 4 hours after the nap...the less time i take in the nap, the less groggy i am afterwards, and the less drool all over myself...but still there...when you take naps, you're spose to feel refreshed when you wake up...i feel like complete ass...ugh!

The drool thing doesn't happen too terribly often...just when i take a nap or haven't gotten enough sleep the night before...annoying though...some people snore, some people grind their teeth, i drool

Social Issues Introduction
Ah, big one there...haven't really covered it before on here but i shall this morning...theres three different i dunno, ways of being social...online, on the phone, in person

Online Social Issues
Online...that ones easy...you don't hear a voice, you don't see a face, all you see is words...with me, i can totally deal with that no problem...the only problem i still have is actually keeping a conversation going...i'm certainly not the most interesting person in the world so that goes against me...if people would just work with me here and elaborate on things it would help...i still worry about looking like an idiot or what the person thinks but its nowhere near as bad talking online

On The Phone Social Issues
On the phone...ah, you hear a voice then (you're thinking, no shit sherlock?)...i think i'm pretty decent there...certainly could work on that more but i'm okay...can't see a face, no problem...but that whole keeping a conversation going thing gets a little worse...its not like online where one person types and sends, two minutes later the other person types and sends...its real time...but i have managed to talk on the phone for several hours at a time on more than one occassion...i just run out of things to say quickly...but i'm okay...i hate those moments where theres dead air...oh man i go nuts...cuz i'm like "oh my god kollin, you have to say something, you know the persons thinking you're so boring, just say something, anything...do it now!!!!"...but you know, if the persons interested in talking to you and you're interested in talking to them shouldn't be too terribly bad

In Person Social Issues
In person...oh you have no idea...if some of you people who are reading this only talk to me online and on the phone then you have no idea what kinda problems i have...its like online to phone little step, phone to in person, huuuuge step...you really don't know...some people will argue with me on this and be like "whaaat? you're not that shy...you talk a fair amount online and on the phone"...yeah but its in person!!!...i can handle it a lot better if its just me and one other person...you can talk directly them...only one persons eyes are on me and paying attention...i still have nervous habits and stuff...i'll tell you everything that could happen out of being shy, nervous and just generally having social problems...eye contact...i dunno how to handle that really...but i do my absolute best to look you straight in the face...but see then i'll be thinking "hmm okay, eye contact is good, maybe you should break away here cuz i think you're doing this too long"...so i'll break eye contact, wait a second or two, and come back...i'll be paying attention to the person but i'll be worrying the whole time about this eye contact thing...i dunno how to handle that...other things...this really bugs me...i "blush" so damn easily...for no reason too...i can be sitting there, having a decent conversation, out of nowhere blushing...what the hell?...then i'm like embarrassed that i'm blushing and that just makes my face more red and extends the blushing period...sometimes i'll sweat too...like my face...i'll blush, get embarrassed, then my face will get hot, and i'll be sweating...so i'll have to wipe the little bit of sweat off my face...almost wish i could say "oh oh! time out!" get rid of it, come back and start over...i worry about where my hands are positioned, where my feet are positioned, is my hat on right, does my hair look okay...and i'll do nervous things like scratch my hand, mess with my watch, mess with my hair...it really could drive a person insane...if its one on one talking, i'm okay...if its like a group i'll pretty much not say anything, just listen

General Being In Public Issues
Just walking while in public is an issue...like how your arms should be...can't keep them straight and walk that way, you'll look stupid...can't swing them too much, you'll look stupid...and eye contact is an issue there...i dunno how to handle that...cuz i'll be looking up, accidently make eye contact with someone, immediately look away...but sometimes it'll be a fraction of a second longer of eye contact cuz i'm thinking "eee just made eye contact, look away, look away!" and then its just uncomfortable and i'm like "oh man that was too long"

Group
Hanging out with Pete, Ashley, sometimes Jessica, and Jenna has happend quite frequently lately...its fun, i like it, i just don't speak...Pete gives me shit about it lol...i'll sneak in something here and there...at least its something...i'm not one to bring up a subject...i'll just listen and maybe add on to that subject...i'll have things to say, certainly, i just don't say them...i'm even this way when its just Pete and Ashley...not as bad mind you, but still

Short Social Issues Conclusion
I need to learn how to relax and just be calm...i worry way too much about what people think

The Hat
See my hat is used for many reasons...i don't really have a decent way of doing my hair...i really don't...i can part it, but thats not really in style there...i can part it down the middle, looks okay...but i just wear the hat cuz i don't have to deal with that...i'm gonna get a hair cut soon and make it look better...just have to decide what i want it to look like...like i said, with the hat, i don't have to deal with hair issues...the hat also acts as kinda a shield...it can hide my eyes a great deal...so i feel more secure with my hat on...if i wear my hat loosely on my head and you can see my face a great deal, means i'm more comfortable...if its quite low, i'm extremely uncomfortable...in public its gonna be low either way...just cuz, so many people in one place...plus dealing with hair issues, i think i look better with the hat on...if i can get my hair to look nice, the hat won't be so much of an issue

My Style
I'm not really "in style" with anything concerning what i wear...relax fit jeans, some kind of t-shirt, boxers, long socks (see a lot of people wear socks that just come up to the ankle...i wear long socks that come up to like the higher part of your, how do you spell it, shin, chin?, ugh)...if i'm wearing shorts i'll scrunch the socks down towards my ankles...still i'm sure i look a bit goofy...got the watch, the hat, nike shoes (not expensive ones or anything)...i'm simple...but i do need to get some new shirts...something other than "west point" and "denver broncos"...i like the color grey for shirts...i dunno if you people notice but a lot of my shirts are grey...the majority...why? because dog hair doesn't show up on grey, food doesn't show as well, etc etc...its a great color...usually i wear the light blue jeans...i do have a pair of black jeans...and a pair of dark blue jeans...but i really like the light blue jeans...with shorts, they're like khaki shorts...those are nice...comfortable...i do have jean shorts too...i'm not a big fan of wearing shorts cuz i have hairy legs and the whole sock thing goin on but because i'm in houston i have no choice there...so i mean, thats my style there...quite simple, nothin fancy...i like being comfortable...concerning dress clothes i really don't have too much of that...i have like one dress shirt...i mean when do i need to look fancy? like never...but i do need new shirts, and maybe another pair of jeans or two

My Physical Features
I could go on here...starting with the hair...like i said, don't really have a hair style, gotta figure that out...my hairs not too soft, its kinda course, doesn't cooperate...using conditioner it certainly helps but still uncooperative...on my face, i have zit problems...i'm working on that...ashley gave me a bunch of stuff to use and i should use it more than i am now for that...kinda have thickish eye brows...i got my left ear pierced when i was 13, took the earring out, and the hole didn't heal up all the way...looks like theres a hole there but nope, its closed up...i don't think my nose is too bad...i've actually gotten compliments on my lips, and chin...i think i generally don't have great skin...like around my armpits, couple little spots there where i have like i guess stretch marks?...i'm pretty damn skinny around my arms i dunno how thats possible but there you go...little bit of a gut there you know, along with a little bit of the guy boobs lol...its not that bad...just a little...some more of those stretch marks around my inner legs...i'm not fat at all in these areas here...i just don't get it...i have hairy legs...like pretty damn hairy...kinda dirty blonde hair though so its not too terribly noticable but still...my arms are way too skinny...i have small wrists...but you know, i have really long arms...concerning muscle, you can see it in my arms...not much, but its there...with the gut you can't see any abs lol...lots of girls are like "ohh thats so sexy" the 6 pack thing...yeah don't have that, never have...even when i actually did work out on a semi regular basis...my feet are a size 12...i like that...although, gets in the way sometimes...not a very balanced person so i do trip a lot...my calves are another thing that bothers me cuz i'm so damn skinny in that area...i'm happy with the height...i'm somewhere between 6'1 and 6'2...i like being taller than a lot of people lol...i really can't stand it when someones taller than me...and i'm about 180 lbs...i was at 185 lbs and going up but i've been eating a little better and sleeping through lunch so that brought me back down to 180 lbs...i don't think i'm necessarily ugly but i certainly could use some work there...work out, nice hair cut, get rid of the zit problem...the first one is iffy cuz i'm lazy and i'll feel embarrassed when some small amount of weight i'm bench pressing is kicking my ass and such so i don't go work out...the last two i can handle...see my mom cuts my hair cuz she use to do that for work...but shes horrible at it...and i'm too cheap to get a decent hair cut lol...but i'll do it...i'm in desperate need of it right now

Girl's Looks and What I Look For
Concerning looks with girls i'm really not picky about...a couple of my friends are like really picky about looks and stuff and really it drives me nuts...i mean usually when it comes to looks a girl has some features that are good looking or cute...obesity i don't like but if you're working on it i have a great deal of respect for yuh...i don't mean like a little overweight...or just overweight...obese...chances are you're to blame for that one...put down the candy bar and do somethin about it...or like on the verge of death skinny...i think that bothers me more than obesity...i like a girl who when i go out to eat with her, she'll actually eat a meal...not some half a salad or some shit...and you know, i just like a girl thats real...not fake looking or anything...hair color, eye color...not picky about either...i'll admit that i'll lean more towards a brunette...not that i haven't seen really good looking blondes...i just tend to lean more towards that direction...so i mean, not too skinny, not obese, doesn't look fake...works for me...and i don't like girls who wear slutty clothes...sure nice scenery every now and then (hey i'm a guy, what do you expect) but not when it comes to someone i would want to be with...its nice yuh got boobs and all but not everyone needs to see them...some skirts look nice...some look like if just the smallest amount of wind came through, everyone would know if you were wearing underwear or not...don't like that...don't like it if she sits down and everyone around her knows shes wearing a thong...why do you think they call it underwear? cuz its under the stuff you wear...i know it gets a guy excited and all and i know you're all proud of what you have but really its just not a good look...i don't mind if you show a little bit off but don't go nuts with it...i don't see the problem with jeans and a t-shirt...somethin comfortable

I really do honestly look for that...a girl who likes being at least a little comfortable in her clothes...if a guy loves you, it doesn't matter what you wear...it doesn't matter how big your boobs are...it doesn't matter how much you weigh...thats kinda one of my "turn ons" you could say...that look about a girl when you know they're down to earth and "real"...not out to impress the whole world...and girls love the makeup stuff all time...i have no problem with that

Probably gonna sound corny here but its the honest truth...personality is really all that matters...looks matter some, gotta admit that...but its the personality that matters most...and personally, if you have a good personality, it shows in your looks...i'm just not a big fan of someone obsessed about their looks...i know i just bitched about the way i look but come on, if i really had a huge problem with it, i'd do something about it lol...and i know that when i find that "someone" its not gonna matter if i have a little bit of a gut or marks on my inner legs cuz they'll love me for who i am...and thats the way i am with people...i like you for who you are not for your looks

Guys Just Want Sex = Bull Shit
I know girls like to say all the time "guys just want sex" and they go for just the looks...which i hate when they say that...cuz i'm not that kinda guy...yeah i know i'm a virgin, but i still wouldn't be with someone just for sex...if i like you, its not just cuz of your looks...call me old fashioned but thats the way i am...sex is like a bonus...now i'm not gonna go so far as to say "yeah i'm gonna wait until i'm married"...buttt when i do have sex (oh might be corny but its just me) i want it to be with someone i care about a great deal and probably love

The Way I Feel About Relationships
When in a relationship, i want the two of us to be treated equally...i'm a giving person...i love giving a girl compliments, making her smile, making her happy, giving her gifts...just generally showing my affection towards her...and although i won't say anything about it and i probably won't even think about it, but i do expect the same treatment in return...and respect is a big issue...i'll certainly respect you, but you better respect me as well...honesty is the biggest one though...and by honesty, that includes like not being open about certain things...keeping things in that you shouldn't...secrets...i have yet to be in a relationship where the girl was honest (exluding the one with sara but all we did was argue lol)...i don't like playing games either...bull shit like "i love you but i'm not in love with you"...thats playing games...and if i give you no reason not to trust me or not to believe what i say, then you shouldn't immediately not trust me or not believe me...respect issue there...respect, honesty, openess, trust...i have trust issues myself but as long as you don't give me a reason not to trust you then its all good...cheating i absolutely hate...and any form of cheating...that includes flirting with other guys...no, it is not right...i don't expect anyone to be perfect but if i treat you a certain way, i expect the same in return

Conclusion
Most likely you didn't make it down to here cuz this entry was long...i break it down into sections but you people still don't care lol...thats okay, i like getting things off of my chest...although i keep a lot of things in...especially the ones that really get to me...those are always in the private entries...which probably right after this one or i could put it before this one, i'll make a private entry...these are the things that keep me up at night...like tonight for example, this one kept me up...I shall ramble on some other time.
6 Comments.


I made it all the way through that entry. It was so brutally honest, I mean how could I not? All your issues Kollin- lots of people have the exact same ones that you do, it doesn't even matter, as long as you know about them and make some sort of effort in dealing with them. It really doesn't matter what your hair and crap looks like....I mean if I didn't know you were unhappy with it, I wouldn't try to help you change it. If you were just happy with wearing the broncos hat all the time, I wouldn't care, whatever, so don't feel bad about it or anything. Its not important at all. I'm gonna aim you later on these social issues. I think everyone I know has, or has had in the past simmilar issues. I'll tell you how they dealt with them and such elsewhere, as I'd hate to leave a comment as long as that entry....
» AshleyEverhart on 2005-01-08 11:30:36

Aww Kollin.. I read the whole thing today!! :) the relationship things I agree w/ 100%, trust, honesty, treated equally, all that good stuff! lol and you're not bad at holding conversations online, or on the phone at all! and about the looks thing.. lol sry Im not brunett!! but blondes are better :oP and.. you're sexy dont worry!!
» Ashley (24.50.163.162) on 2005-01-08 12:54:21

I made it to the end!!!! i like how they're divided into sections now. Anyways, I know more about kollin's physical appearance from this entry... then i ever wanted to know haha. It's all good though, I do the same thinks with my socks (i hate those damn ankle socks... i would never wear those). Social anxiety sucks tho... as for me... I can't talk to people on the phone at all, although when in person I can make humerous comments... but not much else. Social anxiety is no fun, keeps you from saying the things you really want to say. Pfft you have no reason to be shy around me and Ashley! you've known me for what... 4 years? hmmm as for style... well I'm not exactly a pro on that either... so don't expect any tips from me... except maybe you should get some different shirts? maybe ones with collars or buttons or something not grey! hahaha Anyways, good entry man
» Zig_Justice on 2005-01-08 11:32:01

hello!
okay, i'm just going to comment as i read. it should be pretty random. -i drool AND snore AND grind my teeth. it's terrible. and hey, if you ever met me in person, you wouldn't have to worry about being shy because i'm a talker. not the super annoying, you can never get a word in edgewise kind though. just somebody who has something to say. and just for the record... you should never wear denim shorts. ever. hurray for brunette girls! and for personality. good logic with the sex thing. but seriously, don't wait until you're married... okay, i read it. you seem to have your shit together. that's awesome. you seem extremely likeable and intelligent. it's refreshing. and i'm glad you like my haircut! anyway, keep up the cool entries.
» Chloefoxx on 2005-01-09 01:16:54

wow.
i must say that entry is very impressive. i don't know too many guys that would actually write something like that for the public to view. so i think if you can write something like that for the public to see, you should definitely be able to talk. i used to be like you with the "i hate talking" aspect, but i realized it wasn't getting me anywhere. now i talk to absolutley everyone. and don't worry about how you look in public!! i used to care what people thought, but that doesn't get you anywhere either. go out and have fun, and if people look at you weird, OH WELL!! at least you're having fun and not being paranoid about what people think. and yes you're right.. personality matters the most.
» chells420 on 2005-01-09 08:45:40

what the post above me said
I live in Houston Texas as well.
» cHESTERbaNDmE on 2005-01-15 10:43:20

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