Sunday. 12.12.04 1:01 am
So I'm updating again...i don't think i have much to say but who knows...sometimes i can really get going on random subjects
So its winter time...in Texas...Houston, Texas no less...i miss snow...can you believe there are actual people here who have never seen snow? isn't that insane?...i mean for 16 years of my life every winter we'd get snow...blizzards even...i remember waking up and getting ready for school then going downstairs to see if school was cancelled...it was a great feeling too...i'd be glued to the screen...first i'd see "1 and a half hour delay"...5 minutes later i'd see "2 hour delay"...sitting there thinking "come on! its a damn blizzard outside! cancel the damn school day!!!"...10 minutes later "cancelled"...then the celebrating begins...i mean isn't that just awesome?...i remember in 1998 we had two blizzards in one winter...something like 14 days of school were cancelled...ahh that was awesome...huge snow drifts in the front yard...see i was going to Peyton High School/Middle School (which kinda funny thing here...Peyton Middle School...PMS...hehe so funny!) at the time and it was in the middle of nowhere...we only went to school 4 days of the week, monday through thursday...so the year after 1998 we had to make up for all of those snow days by going to school on friday's ever so often throughout the year...of course everyone absent on those days but still...ahh twas great...what do we get here in the winter? rain...rain rain rain and more rain...i mean come on, i haven't worn a real jacket in years...its in the middle of december and i'm still wearing shorts...well so much for a white christmas...its more like a wet christmas
Onto other things...i saw Christmas with the Kranks today...wasn't bad...wasn't great either...i think they could have done better...it had its funny parts in it...the daughter was quite good looking...i'm not really too critical or picky with movies...as long as its not too cheesy or boring i usually find it entertaining...its worth seeing...we went to Cracker Barrel too...i had sausage, hash browns, two eggs over easy, french toast, and some biscuits...pretty good meal...then had nachos at the movie...man i love food...didn't really do much Christmas shopping...i think we're a little thin on money...doesn't really concern me though...if they don't get me much i won't be disappointed...i have pretty much everything i need...dvd player, tv, ps2, computer, mini frig, 780 CDs, DVDs, car...i'm certainly not hurtin...i was actually sitting there about to start my little christmas list thinking "hmm you know there isn't much i really want"...so tis really not a big deal
Kinda brings me to my other subject thats been on my mind...you know i've bitched and complained how life sucks many times in my life, who hasn't?...my life's pretty damn good...i mean look at all that crap i just listed that i have...parents love me...got people who care about me...going to college...my life is in no way shitty...every now and then when i look back at times when i was like "ugh life sucks soo much" i kinda feel embarrassed...how could i say such a thing?...i mean i can point out some things that suck...heart burn, no girlfriend...but those can be fixed and aren't a big deal at all...heart burn well its a matter of eating the right foods...i'm not really good at that...damn spicey sausage at Cracker Barrel...i didn't know it was gonna be that damn spicey...the girlfriend thing...meh takes time...and some balls...other than that i'm livin the good life...i don't like people who are overly happy about it though...don't get me wrong, i'm an extremely negative person and i do get depressed often
i hate those people who wake up all smiling...its like 6 am and they're all "good morning!!!!" with a big smile on their face...if it wasn't for the possible jail time, i'd beat the shit out of the person...or people who are all "oh life is so great" allll the time...being too happy pisses me off...for the most part, i keep my happy thoughts inside...99% of the time when i'm going on and on about myself (like on this thing) its usually not so good...but i'll admit that in no way is my life crappy...i'm actually quite lucky...i'm being too happy and positive here
So i need to clean the wax out of my ears...haven't done that in a while...i may clip my finger nails too...when they get too long i chew on them which isn't good...not to the point of actually chewing them off but still...i was gonna shave today but Ashley said it looked decent...i dunno though...i mean it grows really fast up until a certain point...like below my jaw it can get quite noticable but above it like where my lips its just not thick or noticable...i guess it just takes some serious time...i dunno if i can handle that though...it gets quite itchy...we'll see...i'm too lazy to shave anyways...its too long to use an electric razor anyways so why not wait for a while...i hate zits...i get them all time...i think i have a mild form of acne around my lips and a little under my jaw...i've taken stuff the doctors gave me but the first thing they gave me burned the hell out of my face...the second stuff they gave me didn't work at all...i'm using neutrogena however you spell it...kinda working...kinda not...i'm 20, why aren't these things gone!!!...oh well
So i've decided to start going on aim again...i just needed a break from some of these people...they get on my nerves from time to time...i'm not all that happy talking to some...i won't name names...i'm quite pissed at some people for things they've done to me in the past...don't get me wrong, i'm an extremely forgiving person...i'll let anyone walk all over me...but some of my friends i just gotta sit there and think "ugh you've been so mean to me in the past"...some people just annoy me...some i just don't think give a shit about me in any way...so they can IM me any time they want...chances are i won't IM them very often unless you annoy the shit out of me about not IMing you enough...then i'll just do it to shut you up...i know, i sound mean here but you need to consider what some of these people have done to me...i mean i still talk to the majority of my ex girlfriends on here...and i'm "friends" with them...excluding one or two of my ex girlfriends, i was treated like ass with the rest of them...and i still talk to them...i even help them in times of need...give them support...say they're good people...whatever...to be honest, if i had any balls whatsoever, i wouldn't be talking to the majority of my ex girlfriends anymore...no sir...should have said 'fuck you' and moved on...i'm not that kind of person though...i'll still be their friend when they need one...my respect for these people is down the toilet and i probably couldn't give a shit less about their lives...but i'll be nice
I guess what made me start going on aim again was that Michelle e-mailed me...i don't even know what to think with her...i don't think i could ever consider her a real friend of mine...i still have feelings for her...and i miss being with her...thats normal considering how much i loved her...but she did a really bad thing to me...i just don't think i can forgive her...i know i can't...and any mention of her boyfriend or being happy will just piss me off...its nice she e-mailed me wondering if i was okay...i guess she cares...maybe shes just bored when she gets online...who knows...but do you see what i mean?...when she talks to me its like we're suppose to be back to where we were before i even considered asking her out...good friends...but after loving her, having her break my heart, and treating my like shit in the end, its hard to even talk to her...i don't wanna not talk to her...but at times i don't wanna talk to her...just difficult there...and i don't know what to think...i don't know what to do...like pete said "outta sight, outta mind" but ugh...and maybe its cuz i'm bored as hell a lot of the time and don't have too terribly much to do but i do think about her often...wish i didn't, but i do...and i can't say to her "hey, you know, its really hard on me talking to you and i'm still not over you, so i'm gonna need a long break from you in order for me to be your friend some time down the road"...i'd feel bad saying that...and i was gonna write an e-mail back saying how i'm not over her and i still have strong feelings for her blah blah blah but i'd be putting myself out there to be hurt again...cuz i know by saying that i'd be being honest but i'd probably hint at wanting to be with her again...and then she'd just be like "okay" and it would probably hurt a little bit cuz in the back of my head i'd want to her to say she wanted me back...its just putting myself out there to be hurt again...so i just wrote her an e-mail back that said "sorry i haven't been online much...i'll start going on aim more often"...shes not the greatest thing in the world like i make her out to be in my head sometimes...i guess i'll just deal with it and avoid talking to her about anything detailed or how i feel...should have told her to eat shit and die after what she did to me with the total lack of respect...i'll bare with it...see what i mean? i know i bitch about this subject often and by all means skip past these parts cuz i'm sure it gets old...probably saying "my god, quit bitching about this and just move on!!!!"...i just find it hard to talk to her...sometimes hard not to talk to her...harder to talk to her though...but i'll be a "friend" and stick around for her...*shakes my head*
I mean seriously...and normally, after being dumped, i go back out with the person again...i'm sure it won't happen with Michelle but seriously, do i never learn my lesson?...when you get dumped, you move on and leave it in the past...especially if you were treated like shit...do you really think a person is going to change that much?...noooo...leave the past in the past...lets think about it for a moment...how i be if i was back with Michelle?...i wouldn't trust her one bit thats for sure...and saying i love you to her, no sir, would not happen...maybe it would but i'd always question if she meant it back...i'd be paranoid as shit when it comes to her going to work or school...when i was with her i was like "well i hope you don't dump me for some guy at work" and she was like "that would never happen, i promise i won't"...promise, pshh...what did she do? start going out with a guy from her work while still being with me...just wouldn't work...i wouldn't buy her things either...what have i gotten from her? nothing...yeah she sent me pictures through e-mail...she likes taking pictures anyways and i KNOW she thinks shes beautiful so she doesn't mind taking pictures of herself...i bought her flowers, CDs, chocolate, everything...what did i get? nothing...she didn't believe what i said at the end there too...even though she never had a reason to not believe me...see it just wouldn't work...leave the past in the past
I'm a very untrusting person as it is but when you show me a reason not to trust you, oh man, tis not good...my thought is, never trust anyone completely...which is true...i don't...i have different levels of trust with people...nobody's gonna get up to the 100% mark though...i'll give you an example...i trust my brother a great deal...would i trust him if i really needed help? of course...if i left something at his house or let him borrow something, would i trust him to return it to me? no lol...see different levels of trust...with Michelle, i don't trust her one bit...would i trust her to be there for me? no...would i trust her to care about me at all? no...different levels of trust...its probably bad of me to say but when i'm with someone, my trust for that person starts out extremely low...you have to earn my trust and it won't be easy...going through all of these crappy relationships doesn't help either...just makes my trust in a relationship go down each time...by no means do i show my lack of trust for someone i'm with...i'm suspicious of them at all times...you just have to earn my trust there...which i think saves me a little bit hurt in the end
when it comes to respecting someone theres a lot of things that can make that go down the toilet...like with Michelle...she didn't believe me when i said i never made that phone call...gave her no reason to doubt me...she didn't believe me...and she went out with a guy while still with me...respect has gone down the toilet...if you drink a great deal or do drugs...respect down the toilet...if you cheat on people and continue to do it time and time again, i have zero respect for you
I just have a big problem with people...i think this all contributes to why i'm shy and not social at all...you get close to people, you get disappointed...i mean how many people out there are gonna treat you like you treat them?...how many people can you really trust a great deal?...in a lot of ways i'm just thinking "ugh its just not worth finding out"...and how many people are going to accept how i really am?...i'm really concerned about how people think of me
This girl drives me insane...i think i've mentioned her before but really, shes horrible...i'm so embarrassed to say i went out with her...twice!!!!...if there was ever a time i may have been drugged, it was when i was with her...someone was putting drugs in my food cuz i was not thinking straight...her name is Melissa...she drinks all the time, does drugs all the time and she cheats...man does she cheat...i can't tell you how many times she cheated on me when i was with her...i lost count...i use to have the exact numbers...she had phone sex with several guys, cybered with several guys, and had actualy sex with a couple guys...i forgot the numbers on each though...if you look up words like "slut" or "whore" or "trash" you'll see her picture...she goes out with like 3 or 4+ people at a time...oh man, just when i think she can't get worse, she proves me wrong...let me tell you this...shes almost 18 i believe...right now shes married to a guy named Joe and has a kid with him...hes like 20 something...shes going out with a guy named Juan, hes like 17...shes going out with some girl whos 16...and, oh you'll love this, shes going out with her 12 year old cousin whos a girl...my goodness...i thought it was bad when she went out a 13 year old boy but she topped that...i didn't think she could top that but she did...you can ask her...she'll come right out and say shes going out with all of these people...in fact, shes proud of it...like i've said many times before, shes like a train wreck...just horrible but you can't stop looking...i just can't stop talking to her cuz shes so horrible...oh and shes the dumbest thing on earth...i've asked her questions like "when was the war of 1812?" and she didn't know...like "what continent is the USA on?" and shes like "whats a continent?"...she has to have an IQ of 10...oh shes horrible...i went out with her twice!!!!...i should have my ass kicked just cuz i was with her twice...ugh i find the worst people to go out with...she was the worst though...i mean if shes gonna give out sex like santa giving out gifts on christmas she should at least be getting paid for it...makes sense right?...shes not smart enough for that though...she was saying she liked me a couple weeks ago...yuck...like i've said many times, she'd like anything with two legs and a dick, give or take one or two of those
I'm gonna go look for food...probably nothing there but i'm gonna look anyways...this would be intermission
chocolate ice cream...chocolate syrup...chocolate chips...not bad...i may end this entry now though...i think i've went on with meaningless crap for a while now...should be somewhat entertaining...although in some cases i have to apoligize for bitching about some things repeatedly...for now i think i'll either watch Band of Brothers or The Sopranos season 1...which do you think?...Band of Brothers is awesome...i'm kinda a war mood at the moment anyways...maybe i'll watch that...sounds like a good plan...ever seen Saving Private Ryan? its like that times 20...which by the way that movie was awesome too...if only i had it on DVD i could watch it...think about all the awesome war movies...Braveheart...The Patriot...Gettysburgh...We Were Soldiers...i could go on and on...hmm The Patriot...now i have that on DVD...oh man i was set on something now i'm debating again...maybe i'll watch that cuz its like 3 am and Band of Brothers is like an all day thing...i've literally watch the complete mini series and the making of in one day...thats like over 13 hours...maybe i'll do that monday...can't do it tomorrow cuz theres football...can't miss that...but monday...yes monday...okay...so i need to go find The Patriot...and i need to end this entry...i'll end it with a quote from a movie..."theres in-holes and theres out-holes, you don't put stuff in the out-holes"
kollin, i love you.
i remember waking up when i was younger and going straight to the tv to see what the cancelation/delays were. tim allen is the ruler of christmas movies. now just be honest with me kollin...do you hate me? am i one of the people you want to ignore on aim?!?!? heh. sometimes, you're too nice. if these people get on your nerves then you just shouldn't talk to them. if you can't just straight out tell them "no i don't want to talk to you right now go away and leave me alone." then make up some kind of excuse like you have to condition your hair or something. and about michelle...if you don't want to talk to her and you need a break from her then take a break. you shouldn't consider her feelings and her well being, you're supposed to be taking care of yourself first and others later. so just tell her that you need a break from her and block her for as long as you need to. geeze, i can't beleive you don't even trust your own brother to bring back something he's barrowed from you. i ever trust my brother and half the time he breaks or never returns whatever a lend him, if he doesn't take it first. don't apologize about writing in your own blog about what you want to write about. it's yours, no one else's, therefore you get to decide what goes in there.
» lenas_life on 2004-12-13 12:18:53
Lenaiya, i love you too.
lol...nah you're not one of the people i want to ignore on aim and i certainly don't hate you...you confuse me sometimes though...sometimes i think you hate me and couldn't care less if i dropped off the face of the earth...other times it seems like you really care...good advice up there though and i think i'll go with that...i think i'll just block Michelle and if she e-mails me, i'll just say i'm really busy and can't talk to her...sometimes we can have really good conversations, in between you and your neopets of course, like today...we should talk more often...when you get your hair done, you're gonna have to give me pictures...if you don't, i'll bug the hell outta you!!!!
» Kollin6618 on 2004-12-13 04:28:38
and I love everyone!!!!
Kollin you need to be more creative with thinking up excuses to say to Michelle if she emails you... like... "sorry I joined the secret service, I won't be able to contact you for the next two years" or "sorry, I got arrested for smuggling drugs in Australia, I'll give you a call when/if I can get out of this Ausie prison and back to the US"... you know something along those lines. But anyways... nothing left for me to say, I think Lena did a pritty good job.
» Zig_Justice on 2004-12-14 03:22:37
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