Friday. 12.3.04 2:59 am
3 am...good song by the way...but tis what time it is now...soooo what to write about here...i'm not really bored but i'm taking a break from crushing my opponents on Madden 2005...yes, i am the greatest...moving on
Nothing has really happened lately...i think on December 16th through the 22nd i'm flying out to visit my brother in Virginia...should be cool...probably go see some of the monuments and museums in DC...its always nice getting away from the parents and plus my brother and I get along really well...pretty much best friends...so tis good
I have a couple more presents to get...i need to get my mom one more thing...my neice and sister in law...possibly two other presents, we'll see though...christmas sucks...well not really, but i'm old enough now that i have to actually pay for presents to give to people...remember the days when your parents just gave you money to buy other people presents? oh those were the days...now i'm spending like hundreds of dollars...and its only gonna get worse!...i mean lets think about this...you'll get a wife...that'll lead to more relatives and friends...you'll get kids...its insane!!!!...you'll be spending hundreds upon hundreds of dollars on presents...i'm cheap to so this is really not good for me...it use to be "yay!!!! christmas!!!! bunch of gifts!!!!" now its "well christmas is great and all but i have to actually spend money...so well, yay i spose"...not that i'm really complaining or anything but everything my parents are gonna get me, i could get cheaper on ebay...but they're too lazy to figure out ebay...not that i'm complaining though...i'm sure i've spend $100 - $150 so far...and you know, i'll probably have to get a job here to pay for that last little bit of college and books for this semester...if it wasn't for christmas, i'd be good to go...but hey, bunch of gifts, big meal, nice break from school, tis all good...i'm just cheap
Theres really only a couple things i'm not cheap on...one being rare CDs...i've spent $190 on one CD alone because it was rare...two CDs that have gone for over $100...one went for like $130, the other $190...but, both are sealed, out of print, and extremely hard to find...i know, insane...and i've bought several CDs that are over $30 each...so i'm not cheap on that...another thing i'm not cheap on is girlfriends...i know, you hear me bitching and complaing up there about buying gifts but for some odd reason i have absolutely no problem with spoiling a girl...i'll buy her flowers and all kinds of expensive crap...makes me really happy to put a smile on a girlfriend's face...which, i'm sure isn't a bad thing...i'm the kind of guy that would always pay for dinner, lunch...buy flowers and chocolate on a regular basis...buy things for no reason at all for her...just the way i am...two things i'm not cheap about...everything else, oh i hate even spending a dime
I'll give you a few examples of how cheap i am...if i have to buy lunch for myself...i either 1) skip lunch to save money or 2) go for the dollar menu at a fast food place...oh yes and if lunch is over $3 and some change, i feel ripped off...its that bad...i absolutely hate breaking a dollar when i don't have to...like when its $3.45 and i don't have any change, i have to pay with $4.00...i hate that...i can't stand it...i have to have at least $1 of change in my pocket when buying something just so i don't have to break that dollar...madness, i know...thats another thing...if i'm gonna go get lunch and i don't have any change, the chances of me skipping lunch greatly increases because i'll most likely have to break that dollar...why do you people think i go on ebay all the time? cuz i save money and lots of it...its made me even cheaper though...i mean when i see a CD on sale for $10 at Best Buy i'm still thinking "ugh, bastards, i'm being cheated!!"...yep, its bad
I swear, even if i was rich, i'd be doing the same thing...seriously...i wouldn't have a huge house...i wouldn't buy things just for the hell of it...nope, i'd be in my jeans and T-shirt, probably driving something thats not too terribly expensive, with a medium size house...no, you wouldn't be able to tell i was rich...all of that money would be in a bank account...foreverrr...thats just how i am...not really a bad thing but i'm probably taking it too far...its okay, i get excited when i find things at a good price...like food or CDs, anything...like when i worked at Wendy's and we god 50% off the food...oh man...every day for lunch i'd get 3 Texas double burgers for like $1.50...3 DOUBLE BURGERS FOR $1.50!!!!!!...*sniff* i miss that...thats just awesome isn't it?...god that was great...gotta love dollar menu's
Onto another subject...i got AOL...2 months free...i'm bored as hell so i figured i'd get it and watch all the jackass's in chat rooms talk...my god it seems like 95% of the world is made up of idiots when you go into chat rooms...i'm serious...i know i'm not the best at spelling or english but these people are fuckin idiots...i'm not just talking about the little teenagers, i'm talkin about people my age and even older...they don't know how to spell, they're immoral, they're just idiots!...i was thinking "okay, maybe i'll go some new friends by doing this" but it feels like its impossible...i can't be friends with idiots like these...if your life revolves around sex, alcohol, drugs and generally being an idiot, i want nothing to do with you...but its like most people's lives are revolved around that...i mean seriously...i feel like i'm alone in this thinking too...i don't feel the need to drink, i don't feel the need to get high, i don't feel the need to sleep with everyone (i know, i'm a virgin, but i still feel sex shouldn't be with just anyone), and i don't feel the need to do idiotic things over and over and over again...where can i find people who think this way? seems impossible...i know a couple of my friends feel the same but still, sometimes it feels theres nobody out there thinking this way...especially when it comes to like good looking people...i know i'm judging here but everyone judges so don't give me that crap that you don't...like if i see a picture of a good looking girl in regular clothing...i immediatly think that she probably drinks, probably does drugs, has slept with probably many guys, parties on a regular basis, goes to clubs a lot, and is full of herself...i know thats a horrible thing to say but thats what goes through my mind...especially the being full of herself part...i think that if you really are good looking, you know it...but if you really are good looking, its how you present yourself to the world that matters in my opinion on this issue...i know everyone likes attention and everything but you don't need to show the world your tits and every bit of your body...a little mystery there can actually be a good thing, at least in my opinion...all these girls wear tight clothes and clothes that reveal everything...don't get me wrong, being a guy i certainly don't mind seeing that but looking at it from the point of view of wanting a relationship with someone, i don't like that...you can wear clothes that show a little and all that but have style, be original, and leave some mystery there...going to the woodlands high school, you see this everywhere...girls will look at some revealing tight shirt with a playboy bunny on it and say "oh thats so cute!!"...yeah if you're going for the slut kind of look there...am i old fashioned in my thinking here?...i'm not saying you should cover every inch of your body with your clothes but seriously, have some style, some originality, and you don't need to reveal to the world every part of your body
i don't like the excessive piercings and tattoos...whats the big deal?...everyone goes nuts over it too...its like, if you don't have a shitload of these things, you're not 'cool'...its permanent drawings on your body and holes in your body...yeah lets see how you look 20 years from now...40 years from now...i can go for maybe one or two tattoos...some piercings...its kinda cool the whole belly button thing...and sometimes it does look sexy when girls get tattoos in certain places...we don't need to go nuts here though
Going into chatrooms, everyones like "hot sexy female here" blah blah blah...no, i don't like that...you're too full of yourself...personally, even if you are the best looking female on the face of the earth, you don't need to tell everyone you're sexy and hot...i've always liked it when girls are like "oh, i'm not good looking" and then you say "you're really beautiful" and they smile...its great...its a major turn off for me when girls not only know they're beautiful but feel they need to tell everyone that they are beautiful...you sound like a stuck up bitch and you're leaving no room for compliments...i really hate this..."wow you're beautiful" "i know"...ugh, drives me nuts...i don't look at a beautiful girl and just think "wow shes beautiful", i look at her clothes, the way she presents herself...maybe the way she talks...if you're wearing very revealing clothing, telling everyone you're "sexy" and "hot", raving about tattoos and piercings, and you're all over every male in the room you're nothing but trash in my opinion...very unattractive qualities there
Maybe i am old fashioned in my thinking...i find a lot of things that people do normally to be very wrong...everyone wants to just "have fun" and everything...well having fun is great but theres a point where you're taking it too far...lets look at commercials and TV shows...sex, alcohol, drugs...a lot of it is too much...going too far...a prime example being every reality show out there...they go out there and find people who are in long term relationships who are good people and turn them into cheaters and horrible people
I dunno...i'm sure a great deal of people disagree with me on these issues but i don't care...i don't see whats wrong with a female being 'lady-like' and having morals...i'm not saying there isn't any girls like this out there but it just seems like i'm surrounded by girls who aren't this way...seems like the 'in thing' is to look like a slut and party all the time
Another thing that bothers is me is the lack of respect most people have for others...especially in relationships...when two people are together, you shouldn't go after one of them...you should respect the relationship they're in...every time i've gone out with a girl, some guy hits on her or tries flirting with her even with the knowledge of her being with me...show some respect for the relationship she has with the guy...and when you're in a relationship, you shouldn't flirt, kiss, or cheat...its disrespecting not only the relationship you have but the person you're with...personally, i think any kind of flirting or sexual act is cheating when doing it with another person while you're in a relationship...if some guy is flirting with you, you need to simply say "i'm sorry but i'm in a relationship so please stop"...those few simple words...i'm probably old fashioned in my thinking there too cuz it seems almost like a normal thing to cheat on the person you're with or flirt with other people while in a relationship...you shouldn't cheat in any way, you should be as honest as you possibly can, and you should respect the person you're with...to be honest, i think those three things are extremely rare...i have trust issues for a reason...in the majority of my relationships, i've had to deal with dishonesty, disrespect, and cheating...its wrong...now i've done my fair share of bad things but i learned from them and haven't done them again...thats what you do when you do something bad and realize it...you don't go do it again, you learn from it and never do it again
Its no wonder why i'm so anti social and so shy...i feel like i'm surrounded by dishonest, disrespectful, immoral idiots...at this point i'm afraid to meet new people...i'm afraid of going out with someone...i'm afraid of making new friends...why? because most likely i'm gonna have to deal with these things...i don't feel like putting up with this crap from people...i have hardly any friends but still, a good amount of my friends have treated me like shit in some way or another...i'm not perfect myself either, i do make mistakes, but there comes a time when its just going too far...you're being treated like shit too much
So i'm sure reading through that you can see what kind of people i'd like to be around and what kind of girl i'm looking for...i'm sure its rare to find these qualities in people...i'm not looking for perfection but some of those things i listed are pretty big...i'm sure i am old fashioned in my thinking
I told you i got AOL right? well i stopped going on aim...i haven't actually talked to anyone on aim for oh a week or so?...kinda hard to explain why but i just needed to get some space from people...it just feels overwhelming sometimes, feeling like you're being treated like crap and that if you disappeared people wouldn't care...so yeah, here i am disappearing for a bit, from most people...and there were a couple people i'm not talking to that i just have a history with and i just don't wanna talk to them for a while...like one of my best friends is an ex girlfriend of mine...but theres a history there and its complicated and there were some bad things that went on while being with her...when i talk to her, it reminds of these bad things sometimes...i just need a break from people...a couple things happened recently that pushed me to kinda disappearing
One of my friends has been going through some difficulties with a guy she loves...through the whole thing i was there for her and listened to her thoughts on the situation...i did my best to help her and told her i was always there for her and we talked pretty much every day about the situation with her and the guy...i was being a really good friend to her...giving her my opinion, some advice, being there for her and everything...but...and this is a big BUT...when i got dumped by Michelle and my heart was shattered into a million pieces, i went to this girl...she talked to me for a couple days but then she was like "i'm just filling up that time you had with your girlfriend"...i was just like "well i'm going through a hard time right now, can you at least be a friend to me while i'm going through this?" and to my surprise she pretty much said no...how shitty is that?...i've been friends with her for a while now and she says that to me...i know i didn't talk too much online while i was with Michelle but you don't need to say you're not gonna be friends with me anymore while i'm broken hearted...so she does that to me and then expects me to be there for her while shes going through a hard time...and i helped her out and everything...i don't need that
Another friend of mine, i've just never gotten the feeling that she cared about me at all...i got her a gift for her birthday...she actually complained about it a little...when someone gives you a gift, you don't complain about it...and i do my best to be nice to her...the way she talks to me just gives me the feeling she doesn't care if i dropped off the face of the earth or not, especially compared to how she treats her other friends who are also friends of mine...shes like "oh hes so sweet" or "hes so cute sometimes" "hes such a nice guy" blah blah blah...i never hear those things from her...also an ex girlfriend of mine...i hardly ever heard those things from her when we went out either...it just gets to me
Plus theres also Michelle...i can't stand talkin to her...its hard on me...i still have feelings for her and everything...when she brings up her boyfriend josh it bugs me...or when she brings up josh's mom being like her second mother...how things are just great with her...it just really got to me how easily it was for her to move on from me...it was just way too easy for her to move on from me...it doesn't make sense in my mind sometimes when i think about how its extremely hard for me to move on from her yet it was very easy for her to move on from me...and by talking to her, this bugs me...shes still a friend of mine and everything...at this point in time though i just can't talk to her...i thought i could but i just can't...its too hard on me...and i'd feel bad saying this to her even though i shouldn't feel bad...i can't say "listen, its really hard on me talking to you so i need to stop talking to you for a while so i can move on from you easier"...so another reason for disappearing there
The majority of the friends i have are girls...and the majority of those girls i've either gone out with, liked, or they liked me...so with a lot of what i just said in mind, i feel like i need a break from all of this...i'll admit that part of my "kind of disappearing" is to see who will actually give a shit but probably 90% of it is to just take a break from everyone...i don't like drama and i don't like emotional crap...a lot of that is going on...i can't go without social interraction but i do need a break from most people...and it would be nice to know that the people i call friends actually do give a shit about me
On another subject, my birthday is in less than 2 months...i guess my brother wants to fly out to see me on my birthday...i'll be turning 21...now why would my brother be flying out to see me on my birthday this time and not times before? ahh...see this isn't good...no, this is not good...i know what he was planned...hes wanting to take me to a strip club...thats just embarrassing for me...i mean when i'm looking through the magazine section of say wal-mart or something, i don't even wanna be seen next to a magazine that has some girl in a bikini on it...if i can't even handle that, how can i handle going to a strip club?...oh yes, my face will be red the whole way through and i know i'll just be wishing the day to go by faster...not good...i don't really like my birthdays...i don't like making a big deal out of my birthdays...its nice when friends and family recognize it and say "happy birthday" cuz it lets you know who actually gives a shit about you but i don't like making a big deal out of it...no songs, no parties, no candles, no little birthday hats, nothing out of the ordinary...usually i get one gift from the parents, $20 from my brother, $50 from my grandmother, then i go out to eat with the parents, and eat whatever dessert my mom makes for me...thats my day...thats enough...throwing in going to a strip club isn't gonna work for me...i'd like it to go just like any other birthday...maybe it would be nice to order an alcoholic drink just cuz i can now but other than that, it should go just like my other birthdays...maybe i can take the car right before my birthday and not return until its over...i just hate making it a big deal...plus its like, oh yay, another year goes by and life has pretty much been the same for me, not too much of a change...not that my life is bad...when i think about it, my life is quite good, but it would be nice if a few things could change in it
I'm gonna be 21...can you believe that?...i'm in my twenties...i don't even feel like i'm in my twenties...it just feels like between the age of 13 and now, everythings been the same...nothing has really changed...and i know i haven't experienced things that normal teenagers have experienced...i feel like i'm a lot behind in some things...i didn't enjoy my teenage years...i'm sure most people do but i didn't...high school sucked...college, although way better than high school, sucks too...and i don't feel like i'm in my twenties...i'm sure i don't look my age and i'm sure i don't act my age...pretty much all of that, that i just said contributes to why i don't enjoy my birthdays and why i don't like making a big deal out of them...but hey, at least i can say i'm older than probably 95% of my friends
So, i think i shall be going...its 5:12 am...i think i'll wake up tomorrow and do pretty much what i did today...why? because thats pretty much how the last 7 years have been...basically the same thing over and over...its not bad, but its not great either...i'm not a big fan of change but sometimes its nice to have a few surprises here and there...actually, putting some emotional crap aside, i kinda like things how they are at the moment...but trust me, that'll get old in a hurry...i'll give it another week until i go insane...talk to you people later
Kollin is an ebay master.
I agree Kollin. I've felt this way forever myself, I mean as far as people go. People are complete idiots. I have like maybe 3 friends I can think of who aren't proud of getting drunk or getting laid. In fact I have a chick friend who bragged about being first between the two of us to accomplish such feats. It's like, "Good job! I hope you don't miss your virginity, and I hope that guy with herpes *really* likes it!" Gay stuff huh? I hated every day of high school too. The slutty girls... *shudder*. It was like...I'd feel bad for wearing jeans and a t-shirt and not my miniskirt and heels. I think it was a bit worse in The Woodlands as far as that and ridiculous egos go. Every kid there could drive there expensive sports car fast, and drunk, and it wouldn't matter when they wreaked it, because they could get a new one for their birthday! I wouldn't worry so much about the irritability when finding friends. I'm in the same boat. I loathe meeting people in college because I know there is a 80/20 chance they're screwed up lol. Just do it anyway, you can control what degree of a friend you become to people. Talking to someone in class and having someone to discuss homework with is nice, but you go your seperate ways after class if they turn out to be an idiot. Its annoying but you just have to do it. :-/ Don't worry Kollin, there are lots more people like you who are like you, and I bet you will find more when you leave the bubble that is the Woodlands.
Also, yes you are very very cheap. When it comes to saccrificing your health, and eatting cheap food I would say don't do it. Otherwise, whatever you want lol. As long as you're happy and can spend on rare cds! lol.
Yes females are cruel, and I'm really sorry about that. You know the way men are trained to be sterotypically emotionless? And how some of them go out of there way to show emotions with someone so as not to be sterotyped this way? Females do the same. In trying to avoid being classified as an over emotional female they will try to not show emotions over a loss, *especially* a boyfriend. They're also trained to be sluts by various media sources and this often leads to slutty dress and behavior. Simmilar catostrophes happen to all people of all gender throghout society. Ridiculous isn't it? And then there are a bunch who are just jerks! And hurt really nice guys just because they CAN! And then I beat them up!!!! LOL...I hate girls...
Anyway bad ass entry! Two hours?! Way to go! lol
» AshleyEverhart on 2004-12-03 08:42:59
lol, that comment could have been an entry all its on!
Sorry I took up so much space! You just voiced my rants so well!
» AshleyEverhart on 2004-12-03 08:43:38
Well... I disagree with Ashley... society is not to blame for people's lack of morals... It's their own fault... and yes that does make them bad people... so don't feel bad about being annoyed by them and not wanting to talk to them.
As for that chick that ditched you when you needed someone to talk to... she obviously isn't a very good friend... a friend usually wants what is best for you, and cares about your well-being.
Hopefully you won't be doing the same thing every day this Xmas break... Because you're going to be hanging out with me and Ashley lots. So hopefully that should be fun... so long as we can find fun stuff to do around here.
I don't blame you for not wanting to go to a strip club... I wouldn't want to either... you should just be honest with your brother and tell him you don't want to...
As for Michael getting over you so quickly... That's definately hard... especially since it's probobly because she has a boyfriend... which sucks... It's only natural that this would bother you. The best thing to do is to just not talk to her for as long as you need to get over her completely... you know, outa mind, outa sight.
anyways, that was an uber long entry, good job ;)
» Zig_Justice on 2004-12-04 01:53:55
LoL...i didn't realize it was so long...see this isn't even close to what goes on in my head at night...i think wayyy too much and i worry wayyy too much
» Kollin6618 on 2004-12-04 02:02:45
I didnt mean morals, I meant tendancies, and yes its their fault regaurdless.
» AshleyEverhart on 2004-12-04 02:11:39
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