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Thoughts...somewhat long
Wednesday. 11.10.04 11:44 pm
Two days in a row...must be a record...well i'm bored...a little depressed...a little happy...so i decided to write in here again.

Well as i mentioned before i got another ebay sellers account...i'm selling like 8 things right now...all of them CDs...all of them i was going to sell on my old account until it was suspended...of course, the ones that aren't still sealed, i copied and everything...pretty much i'm just looking to get my money back on them, maybe a little profit...hopefully i'll get a big profit off of them but i may not...if all of that goes well, i'm gonna look into buying some more CDs off of a couple european websites and see if i can myself a profit there...if you're smart and you know what you're doing, you can make a lot of money just by buying to resell...which if i'm consistant at it, i may not even need a job! lol joking...probably what'll happen is i'll buy a bunch of stuff, sell it, make a decent profit and take half the profits and buy stuff for me...as opposed to last time and spending ALLthe profits on stuff for me lol...i need to save up money...its really tempting though walking into Best Buy or looking up stuff on ebay and wanting to buy...i mean lets face it, $8 for a CD at Best Buy is a pretty damn good deal there...so if i can just slow that down and save money, things will go well from there.

I talked to Michelle today...its kinda unusual...its like when she says things aren't going so well, part of me sits there and says "yeah well good cuz you hurt me and things aren't peachy for me either!"...but that thought only comes in for a brief second...i start to feel bad that things aren't going well for her...and i even feel bad for thinking that up there...then i just wanna make her happy and cheer her up...even with like a guy or something that shes seeing...i'd hate the thought of it and i'd be jealous as hell but i know i'd still be thinking "well, i just hope he treats her well and i hope shes happy"...and she said she was depressed so i gave her compliments and told her i'd always be there for her...i'm sure it made her feel better which is good...they weren't fake either...although she did lie to me and make me feel like shit, i still feel shes a great person and i really would always be there for her...and things like that go for a lot of people...like Lena for example...she did hurt me a great deal but i would still always be there for her...thats just the way i am.

When people are going through rough times and they mention it to me or i can sense it, then i do my best to make things better for them...even if its a person i'm not so fond of or dislike...i think thats why i've always managed to stay friends with my ex girlfriends...even if i was treated poorly in the relationship...or even if i was to blame...and to be honest, i've always thought that i was a pretty decent friend but not really boyfriend material...i can make good friendships with people but when it comes to an actual relationship, it just falls apart eventually...but its good that i can come out of a relationship, no matter how strong it was or how hurtful the break up was, and stay friends with that person...i guess you could say that i give too much in a relationship for it to work out but give just enough in a friendship to make that work.

In a way i think that, that may be the problem in a relationship...that i give too much and that i'm too nice...a couple of my friends even said that...and so i was thinking that i should just lay off being that way...not give so much...and its not like i'm giving that much because i wanna go fast in the relationship, but i think it may come across that way...but i was thinking i should just lay off doing that and not show my affection as much and not give as many gifts and things to the person...but then i started thinking again and you know what? i shouldn't have to change that...i shouldn't have to change the fact that i'm a giving person in a relationship...that would be changing the way i am...the person i'm with shouldn't think thats a problem...the person should appreciate it, give just as much, and be happy that thats the way i am.

And i come out of relationships very hurt...but down the road, when i look back on it, i always feel like the person didn't give hardly enough in it...i mean i'll send e-mails, i'll give flowers, chocolate, letters in the mail, all kinds of other things...not only that but i'll tell them how much i care about them...give them compliments...practically treat them like they walk on water...but what do i get in return?...certainly not all that up there...maybe in the begining or for a brief period of time but not throughout the whole relationship...in FACT, i get bull shit thrown at me like dishonesty, cheating, etc etc...i mean what the hell did i do to deserve that shit?...so not only am i not getting as much as i'm giving but i'm also being lied to and possibly even more?...i mean everybody lies...including myself...but i certainly don't lie often...in fact, hardly ever at all...because i just really hate dishonesty...and when someone, especially the person i'm with, lies to me, it hurts me...or when the person i'm with keeps things from me...personally, i don't think i'm asking for very much...but then again, maybe i am...i'm not asking for perfection...what i'm asking for is for someone to generally give as much as i give in a relationship, for honesty, for trust, patience, understanding, and respect...and other things but those are big ones...and respect means a lot...when you're dishonest with me or you're not giving as much or you're treating me like shit in some way, you're disrespecting me...or like with Michelle when she believed that i made that phone call...did i ever do anything to make her think i wasn't someone who can be trusted? no...have i ever lied to her about anything? no...in the two and a half years i've known her, have i done anything to intentionally hurt her? no...but she believed it was me and didn't believe what i was saying...thats disrespecting me and thats also bull shit.

I've done some things in my life that weren't good...like getting in the middle of pete and ashley's relationship...i broke a couple promises in there and probably said some things that hurt people and i wish i hadn't of...i thought i was helping though...at least those were my intentions...to help...and concerning a relationship myself i've done a few bad things...but i've learned from them...i remember back when i was with Brooke and i flirted a ton with Lacey and eventually dumped her for Lacey...that whole thing there was totally wrong of me and a horrible thing to do to someone...but i've learned from that...don't feel too sorry for her, she did the same thing to me twice and treated me even worse...back to my point though, i've learned from my mistakes...and i do my best not to make those same mistakes...and i realize why they were wrong...i think thats a good thing...everyone makes mistakes but if you learn from them, realize why they were a mistake, and you do your best not to do those mistakes again, that makes you a good person.

I don't mean to sound full of myself cuz trust me, i can pick out a million things i don't like about myself...that would be like 3 entries right there...but i believe in general, i'm a good person...a nice person...and i believe that i have a good amount to offer in a relationship...i know i'm certainly not the best looking guy and i know i certainly don't have the best personality but overall i think i'm a good person...and i think what i listed up there shouldn't be too much to ask for, especially when i'm more than willing to offer those things in a relationship myself.

I'm a firm believer that there is that "one" person for everyone including myself...i think you can truly love more than one person, but theres just one "soulmate" if you will for everyone...i also believe that you will in fact be with that "one" person eventually...whether its now, 2 weeks from now, 30 years from now, or after you die and (assuming you haven't done too many bad things in life lol) you're in heaven, you'll be with that "one" person eventually...so i think i will find that person...i'm just at a point right now where i want that "one" person and right this minute...concerning Michelle, i did truly love her and i'll stick by that because its true...most likely, she isn't my soulmate...maybe she is and we'll be together again...and i'll be the first to admit i'm certainly not over her...either way, whoever it may be, i'll be with that person eventually...i'm just a little impatient at the moment and it gets to me...sometimes even depresses me...but it'll happen eventually.

Well had to get some of that out...when these things build up inside of me again and i'm bored and depressed then i'll let it out on here...talk to you peope later.

long entry there buddy. Anyways, you need to stop beating yourself up over all of this stuff. You're a great guy, and any woman would be lucky to have you. Oh, and you're right, you are a very giving person, and that's not a bad thing. You shouldn't try to change yourself. Anyways, you're right, everyone does have a soulmate, and you'll find yours soon enough (who knows, maybe it is michelle). But yeah, no worries Kollin, everything will work out great, I promise. Oh, me and Ashley are both extremely greatful for all the advice you gave us during that "rough time". You never did anything wrong, and we both owe you so much for all of your help. Anyways, stop getting down on yourself, I've said it before and I'll say it again, you're a great guy.
» Zig_Justice on 2004-11-11 11:38:12

i'd write a long comment but...
peter said everything i would say so...listen to peter. >_<
» lenas_life on 2004-11-12 12:38:42

Yes, what Pete said. No worries Kollin
» AshleyEverhart on 2004-11-12 01:07:38



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