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Thoughts...depression
Wednesday. 11.10.04 6:36 am
Well its about 6:30 am...i've been up for about 22 hours now...i went to bed early last night (and by that i mean 1:30ish) and woke up at 8:30ish because i couldn't sleep anymore...i was planning on getting 13+ hours of sleep, instead i got somewhere between 6 and 7 hours of sleep...oh well, lots of sleep planned for tonight, tomorrow night and the next.

I got an Ebay sellers acount today...i haven't sold anything on ebay in forever...i missed it quite a bit...why? because i know what i'm doing and i know i can make a shitload of money if i put my mind to it...now what happened to the last account? well we won't get too far into it but Kollin was selling illegal things on ebay and was caught...enough said there.

Hopefully between selling stuff on ebay and getting my job back in mid to late november, i'll be getting some cash flow here...i do have a couple purchases in mind though (excluding fuckin christmas)...Best Buy has a couple sales going on...damn Best Buy...but hopefully i can get some money back.

My stomach hurts at the moment and i don't know why...i ate some Burger King earlier and i think thats the reason...i had some really bad gas and then bad stomach aches...well not too bad but noticable.

I guess not a lot has changed for me...well on Monday one thing did and that was just a burden lifted off of my shoulders and i'm waiting for the clean start there...i'm not gonna say what i'm talking about though...quite embarrassing for me.

Feelings wise on people and certain situations...i guess nothings changed there...i'd like some things to change there but still...well, maybe slightly changed for the better but every now and then i get in a mood about these things...it would be nice to talk about them with someone but i just don't think thats possible...i dunno if it would help anyways.

I'm hoping to sleep a great deal for a little bit here...like i said before, i wish i could just sleep my life away but i can't...the problem is that once i wake up, i like staying up...i'm a night person...hence why i'm up at 6:30 am, not having slept yet...but maybe i can fall into a routine here and it'll help me out.

I'm kinda depressed at the moment...kinda tired from lack of sleep...kinda horny cuz well, i'm a guy...well, a 20 year old virgin guy...see in some ways i think of that as being bad...but in some ways i think of that as being good...i'm not gonna say "well i'm waiting until i'm married to do that" because given the oppourtunity beforehand, i probably would do it before marriage...but i will say that i'd certainly have to do it with someone i was absolutely comfortable with...you might think thats easy but meet me in person and you'll see that that would obviously be a hard thing for me to be comfortable with someone...it'll happen one of these days.

You know life's not really hard on me...in fact, lifes actually quite good for me...the only things that interfere is emotions and i spose hormones...like i've said before, if i just didn't give a shit about anyone, and didn't give a shit about what people thought of me, life would be a billion times better...but i take things badly...especially rejection of any kind...and certainly you can argue that nobody takes rejection well but i REALLY don't take it well...it just sits there in my mind and constantly comes up time after time...i mean i remember getting rejected by this girl i asked out in the 6th grade...it was quite hard on me...being dumped is a very big form of rejection...and that really gets to me as well...it pretty much tells me i'm not good enough...it tells me i'm not worth it...and i'm the kind of guy that does whatever it takes for a relationship to work...and even after all of that i still get dumped, its just hard on me...thats like a big rejection, but along with the big rejection always comes little rejections within it...those hurt a great deal too...i dunno, regarding that stuff i guess i'm a sensitive guy...it hurts me a great deal.

i build up thoughts in my head about situations around me, the people around me...like i'm a failure...i'm never gonna get anywhere...i'm never gonna get what i want in life...anything thats good will end eventually...and these thoughts just stay there...sure theres moments when i'm happy and i push those thoughts away but they always come up...ruin things sometimes...thats why i get depressed so easily...things like failure and rejection...the actual event happens and that initially puts the thoughts into my head...then they stay there for years on end...its like i just keep them there in my head...and over 20 years i've collected a fair amount...i mean i could sit there in bed and just go over them every night...depresses me and hurts me...i just don't know how to let go of these things...drives me crazy sometimes.

There are lots and lots of things i'd love to put into this but i just don't think sharing my thoughts on those subjects would be a good idea...i did start a private entry...its saved on my computer and i'm not done with it...i'll finish it over the next couple of days...though, why get your hopes up? you're not gonna see it anyways lol...those two or three people who happen to look at my journal lol...i shall write more some other time.

Its 7 am and Kollin needs...i guess i'll talk to Resa for a bit then go...haven't talked to her in a while...goodnight people...or goodmorning really.
1 Comments.


man being dumped does not mean you are not good enough. It is rejection, but it has nothing to do with if you're worth while (especially in your case). Long distance relationships are really hard... and yeah most of them end in someone getting hurt, it's not your fault at all. If it's anyone's fault, it's her's, for not being able to handle it. Anyways, if you need to talk to someone, you know you can always talk to me.
» Zig_Justice on 2004-11-10 08:53:55

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